So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
