LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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