I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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