i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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