Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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