his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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