I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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