You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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