Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
