my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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