Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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