Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
