Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
