So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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