I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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