I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
