You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize