you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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