I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
