My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
