he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
