he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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