in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
