I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
