she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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