I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
