Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
