I hate all girls vehemently.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
