My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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