Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
