After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
