Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
