I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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