I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
