I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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