Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
