Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I faked an abortion last night.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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