you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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