Tell her she can't have a vagina
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
