Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize