PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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