I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
