Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
