There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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