just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
