It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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