I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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