Im at strip club and am horny
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
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