Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
