I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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