Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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