i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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