I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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