yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
