Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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