I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
