those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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