that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
