State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
