My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
