remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
