Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
